Erza Unintentionally Does Drugs
by AfroSquid
Summary: Wherein everyone's favorite red-haired wizard trips on magical drugs. Hilarity and Erza silliness ensues.


**Wherein our favorite requip wizard accidentally trips on LSD. Hilarity ensues.**

 **Inspired by Erza in general and by a pony fan fiction with a similar theme that I once read. It's called Twilight on Acid by Majin Syeekoh, and it's on FIMFiction. Look it up if you have the time and if you like goofy pony stuff! Here we goooo!**

Erza slowly brought her fork to her mouth once again, heavily anticipating the rejuvenating flavor of strawberry cake on her taste buds. Her pupils practically sparkled like tiny stars as the fork approached her teeth. But, will Erza ever be able to revel in the taste of strawberry cake ever again? Will Erza ever be able to enjoy this and other basic luxuries ever again? Or will the same force, the _exact same force, whatever force it is that doesn't want her to have that cake, stand in her way once again?!_

I suppose that we'll find out… immediately.

Just as Erza was about to destroy the cake with her mighty Erza Chomp, she was whacked in the back of the head by a house - _an entire house_ \- that caused her to drop her cake all over her favorite white blouse, getting it pink with the natural juices of strawberries, and coated in cake crumbs. The color seeped out of Erza's face as she wore an absolutely shocked expression, before dropping to the ground on her hands and knees, writhing in agony at the fact that she, once again, was cake-blocked.

"How did you even _do that,_ Elfman?" said Fiore's Ice Princess of the Year, Gray Fullbuster.

"A real man can lift anything!" said a big, brawny, manly voice.

"Then can you lift this weight off of my heart?" uttered a grieving voice that was choking on its own tears. It took a moment for Erza to realize this voice was hers. Elfman only replied with a question mark floating above his head.

"This weight… made of nothing but sorrow, grief.. mourning.. blood.. tears.. and the childhood I never had," whined Erza before completely collapsing on her face and stomach before beginning to sob. "I was kidnapped from my hometown, I never got to tell my parents I love them one last time.. I was enslaved and kept in the Tower of Heaven for such a long time that by the time I had escaped, I had forgotten how old I was. Years later," she continued as she suddenly began to lift herself up off the ground, "After years of fear and pain and growing up too soon, I was kidnapped by my friends and forced to the place that had plagued my dreams for years. I had to witness the death of my dear friend," she said as Simon's face came to her, "as I fought another who had fell to demonic possession, to total insanity. Finally, after so long, I've been freed from these demons, I've disintegrated the skeletons in my closet, I've almost been able to acquire happiness." Erza stood up and requipped out a simple blade from her storage dimension as she lifted up her heads to reveal her eyes, which emanated pure and utter evil at Gray and Elfman and, of course, the other character who Erza had just now noticed, Natsu.

"But you _idiots!_ "

The three boys were all taken aback by the random and extremely sad monologue turned fit of rage.

"You won't let me _have it_!" she screamed as her pupils literally, not figuratively, but _literally_ turned into little balls of fire. Before the boys could even react, she had whacked them so hard in the head with her mighty blade that they all fell to the ground, but before they actually had a chance to touch the ground, Erza kicked all three of them in the stomachs, picked one of them out at random, picked him up by the collar of his vest, and then held her blade to Natsu's throat.

"LET ME EAT MY GODDAMN CAKE, YOU PIECES OF DISGUSTING AND FEEBLE HUMAN FILTH, or I will _personally send you to the gates of Hell, and from there, I will give you a punishment far more severe than any demon could ever administer so that the demonic torture you will all experience for the remainder of eternity will seem like mere child's play compared to my punishment!_ " Erza brought Natsu so close to his faces that their noses touched before screaming so loud Mavis Vermillion's ghost could have heard her all the way on Tenrou Island. " _GOT IT?!"_

She dropped Natsu on the ground as the three boys all rose to their knees and beckoned with Erza to have mercy on their mortal souls.

"Spare us!"

"Have mercy!"

"I have to beat you before I die!"

"I have so much to live for!"

"Spare us! That's a man!"

Gray didn't say anything else, he just cried. So did Elfman and Natsu, because they thought they were going to die.

Erza lowered her blade and then put it away as she crossed her arms over her chest, choosing to spare them.

"Fine."

They all thanked her profusely before she made her way back to the guild.

 _Later…_

As cheerful screams echoed through the guild hall, Levy finished the potion she had found in her newest tome, _Book of Unknown Potions_ , a book full of potions whose recipes were found but whose purposes were not listed. This was potion #134, and she was almost halfway through the book of mysterious concoctions when Erza entered the guild hall and approached the counter, a calm air surrounding her.

She slowly and patiently approached the counter where Mirajane was waiting for her. Mirajane could hear Erza's shouting so she patiently waited for Erza to come back and order another piece of strawberry cake, which Mira assumed was destroyed. Erza looked at Mirajane as Mirajane innocently smiled back at her before placing a piece of strawberry cake on the counter.

"For _me?"_ Erza said uncharacteristically giddily. Mira slowly nodded back at her.

A violent smile quickly overtook Erza's face as her canines became much more prominent. She sat down at a barstool, produced a fork and as she brought it towards her new piece of cake, the guild doors slowly squeaked open. Erza's cheeky smile vanished and she lowered her fork and turned around to see Natsu, Elfman, and Gray walking through the doors, looking very discouraged.

"Oh, no, you don't! You three idiots shan't cake-block me again!" shouted Erza as she requipped some formidable looking metal gloves and ran hastily towards the three boys whose psyches she had just scarred.

"Uh, hey, redhead?" Gajeel said as he approached Levy to see what she was up to. "I think you mean co-"

"No, no," said Levy.

Gajeel sat in the seat next to her and put her arm around her, making her blush. He was a nice guy once you got past his harsh, barbed outer shell.

"What? I was just gona say cockbl-"

"I know. I know what you were gonna say, Gajeel. Just… just stop," demanded Levy as she blushed for different reasons.

"..cockblocked."

Levy turned her head at Gajeel to give him her adorable angry face, but wasn't fast enough as Natsu's unconscious body hit them both, knocking down Gajeel, Levy, and the table they were sitting at. The completely clear potion in its unsealed container also began to slide off the table, until Gray and Elfman's unconscious bodies also followed suit, hitting the other side of the table just as the potion was about to fall onto the floor, causing it to catapult across the guild hall. Levy was too disoriented to notice. Nobody else in the guild hall noticed the flying potion, they were too busy being shocked and looking away after Erza's contextless fit of random violence.

Erza, having vanquished her cake's adversaries, looked around the guild hall, not noticing everybody's shocked expressions. Considering she _always_ beat people up, this was how Erza often saw everyone in the guild hall, so she didn't think it looked differently from how it usually did.

Had she kept her eye on the prize, she would have noticed the potion bottle spilling its contents onto her strawberry cake before rolling onto the floor and shattering, completely empty. Mirajane was also too shocked to notice.

Erza returned to her barstool as the commotion in the guild hall finally managed to pick back up. Finally, after a long wait and beating up a lot of people, she inserted a piece of cake into her mouth and chewed on it slowly, savoring the flavor.

"Mmm, Mira, this one's got a great kick to it! Have you added some sort of secret ingredient or something?"

Mira shook her head. "Just like I always make it! With love."

Erza, over the course of a few minutes, scarfed down her entire piece of cake, savoring its awesome flavor after every bite. It was so good, it tasted almost… completely euphoric. It made her feel so light and fluffy, as if she could conquer an entire nation with her awesome power. Mira looked up to notice Erza's pupils had visibly dilated as Erza stared off into space.

"Was my cooking really that good, Erza?"

"..."

Mirajane looked concernedly while still wearing her trademark smile. She waved her hands in Erza's face as she began to grow incredibly confused.

"Erza?"

"Yeah. You made it with love, you said?"

Mirajane looked at her a bit more confusedly as her smile vanished. "Yes…?"

"Please, continue to use.. that ingredient." Erza stood up and leaned over the counter. She looked at Mirajane dead in the eyes. "Love."

Mirajane didn't even notice it herself but her face began to turn beet red as she stared at Erza, whose face actually looked paler than usual.

"It's so… wonderful…" Erza said, not closing her mouth. She began to drool a bit as she wore the strangest smile Mirajane had ever seen.

Erza suddenly and very startlingly stood completely upright, her hands to her side, before yelling in a voice more high-pitched than the one she usually talked in. "Okay! Please do that! All love, only love. Love you!" Erza suddenly grabbed Mirajane by the cheeks before pulling her in close and giving her a big, wet, excruciatingly long kiss on the mouth, and then licking her forehead, while Mira obliviously turned redder and redder the entire time as her expression was totally blank.

Erza then turned around and skipped out of the guild hall as her little bowtie bounced with each hop. Just as she opened the doors, she requipped into the frog costume that nobody knew she owned as she continued to skip away. Everybody in the guild hall was just as confused as Mira after watching that series of events, except Mira, for the first time, was confused in a different way.

"I'm.. gonna go check her out, she seems like something is wrong," said a voice from the corner.

"It would be very much appreciated if you did that for us, Lucy," said Master Makarov who had just seen this strange turn of events from the table he was sitting at with the Exceeds. "Happy, why don't you tag along with her and make sure that Erza is alright for us, hm?"

"Aye, sir!" said everyone's favorite smartass blue cat as he flew over to Lucy and made himself a bed on her head, which she didn't seem to mind much.

As Lucy and Happy exited the guild hall in search of the mighty and currently tripping Titania, Mirajane simply had her hand on her chest.

 _Why is my heart beating so fast?_

 _ **End Chapter**_

 **Haha! Sooo? What'd ya think? I had a lot of fun writing it so I hope you had fun reading it! One reason I wrote this is because I think silly Erza is one of the funniest things ever! And don't worry, despite the whole Mirajane thing, this story won't focus on that. That just seemed silly to me at the time and I also thought that'd be a pretty adorable running gag. Please leave reviews and let me know if you're interested in more! (Of course I'll continue this anyways. Writing is fun.) See you next time!**


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